OF HOPE AND DESPAIR
Foreword
This is not the story of Love. Neither of Happiness or
Sadness nor of Revenge or Euphoria. But all of them are involved in it somehow
or the other.
It’s a never ending story of Hope and Despair. Also one evolved
from an age old family war holding apart two lovers. The two separated
apparently, but always finding a commonplace to into jump into one another, to
have their moments together. As intertwined as separate… as hopeful as
desperate…
*****
He desperately wished to
see her today. He couldn’t be sure if he could. Unlike old days, now, every
mission assigned was top secret in his family business. As a matter of fact she
shouldn’t be informed of this, he knew, nor should her family be. That could
topple this mission over.
Nowadays victory over
the other was a matter of family’s prestige. But he secretly wished she would
turn up and interfere. Though he knew that his failure by her interference
could put him to disgrace before his family, it did not matter today. ‘To hell
with the age old family competition!’ he thought. He crossed his fingers in belief that she
would get the tip he sent… that she would come. His mind was all filled with
Hope as he started his work…
*****
The man sipped the
final drops of rum from the bottle and flung it out. Eyes red, from crying or alcohol,
hands in constant tremor, from grief or alcohol, the car moving in a serpentine
fashion, certainly and solely due to alcohol. The road itself looked like a
serpent twined around the hill. He drove unsteadily in top speed, either not
aware or not caring the narrow escapes from falling off the road. One couldn’t
tell if he wanted to die or not. Desperate as he was, without a hope to cling
on to, but nevertheless still searching within himself to find a little hope
and hence nothing could explain his devil-may-care driving…
*****
The wait though short,
felt too long. His heart was getting intense every moment and overflowing with
the destructiveness but he didn’t take it over yet. He had to wait for her. All
this ransom was just to catch a glimpse of her; to hear her reason with him in
her benevolent voice, never raising it, with the trust that he would obey her
word by word; to feel her presence in his life; to get the drive to overcome
the period of her absence after this meeting, if only she came...
*****
Atop the hill, where
the road ended he stopped the car. Stopped would hardly explain the circus he
played. Anyone watching would have called him being alive, the eighth wonder of
the world. He got out of the car and yawned stretching his body like a bow. He
looked up. The moon was partly visible now and then, cloudy as the sky was. He
staggered past the stone benches and warning boards about the danger of going
beyond that point...to the edge of the cliff…
*****
He remembered the spring
when she was born. The most beautiful of all feelings brewed in all for the
first time as she was born. As a little toddler, he had played with her soft
hands for the first time, feeling very
calm for and satisfied within for the first time and that was when she had cried
for the first time.
Down the seasons that saw her growing up into the most beautiful thing on earth. Every time he touched her he felt somewhat antagonized; that with her hand in his he could feel serene and calm forever. Back then, when they were all one small family, the elders pronounced to him, a dream he kept forever. That when time grew ripe she would be his…
Down the seasons that saw her growing up into the most beautiful thing on earth. Every time he touched her he felt somewhat antagonized; that with her hand in his he could feel serene and calm forever. Back then, when they were all one small family, the elders pronounced to him, a dream he kept forever. That when time grew ripe she would be his…
*****
The man stood at the edge of the cliff
overlooking a depth made unfathomable by the fog beneath. Desperateness running
through his nerves, ready to jump down to end his life, but held back by some
unexplainable feeling. It was not hope for sure… what was there to hope for?!
He looked down standing
ataxic at the edge of the cliff. He could end it all now. But he couldn’t make
up his mind. It felt weird to him that, to die he had reasons and to keep from
dying he could think of none, and yet he couldn’t make himself feel to end his
life! Despair was the only thing he felt, not even a bit of hope. But then why
couldn’t he jump!? He blamed himself too
drunk to think sense…
*****
Even with each
picosecond, it was getting late. He couldn’t wait any longer, but neither
couldn’t he help not wait longer. She may not have received the tip he had sent,
he though. He closed his eye and tried to concentrate on the job at hand. He
felt himself fuming destructively and desperately. He felt angry at his family.
He felt unsatisfied with life. He was falling for his own soul’s fumes. Without
Hope, he felt himself nothing. He felt like hot parched earth without rain to
cool its self-destructive temper.
Suddenly he felt her
hand over his shoulder. It felt soothing and distracting. Like something
enchantingly cool spreading from it. His insides felt calm, relieved. He smiled
gently and opened his eyes and turned to her.
She was standing
before him, clearly confused and sad, not knowing what to tell, what expression
to assume.
She started “I can’t
let you do this. With the principles I was brought up with, I should stop you
from doing this. But…”
He smiled and placing
his palm over her cheek “So you will tell me … to do it?”
Her face turned distressed.
“Why do you have to put me in this conflict?” she said sadly “These are your
family’s secret jobs. You have to do them prove your loyalty to your family. I
don’t want you to be branded a failure or traitor because of me. But I can’t
let you do it after me knowing it. It irks my conscience .It feels a sin not to
stop it. I feel helpless when you drag me into such conflicts.”
He now looked down
“What else can I do to catch a mere glimpse of you?! This is the only way we
can meet. I don’t mind branded a failure or a traitor by my family if that’s
what it takes to be with you.”
She said mourning “But
I want you to be known as the best… I wouldn’t want anyone calling you a failure,
or a traitor. I wouldn’t want anyone talking ill of you.”
He said now, holding
her in his arms “The best… is just a matter of perspective, ain’t it? In your family, my work is regarded as the
worst and in mine, yours, the worst. Let me be the best in accordance to your
principles, for today…”
She snuggled, her face
rubbing his chest. He could feel her tears over his chest. He patted her and
said “Hope, I desperately love you”
She sobbed “I know it,
Despair… I hope my father “Happiness” and my elder brother “Euphoria”, would
let you into our family knowing what you are doing today… Now only my younger
sister Love regards high of you,maybe knowing your love for me or maybe because
whenever she is forced to leave,you glorify her.”
He said capriciously
“And I desperately wish that my sadistic daddy “Sadness” banishes me from his
family knowing of what I am doing today”
He continued with a smile “If he does banish me does and your family does take me in, we could be together
forever…Only, I wish my brother, Revenge, doesn’t take coldblooded revenge on
me for being a traitor to our family… If they don’t catch me for giving you tip
on this mission and I don’t get banished, we will meet every time I get a
mission I hope desperately…till I get caught some day…Now it’s time for me to leave,
Hope… Lets part ,only to meet within some other mind… Now pour in some hope to
this man. Save him from me. Stop him from jumping off the cliff. Hope to meet
you soon, my Hope…
*****
The man felt the cool
breeze blowing the fog through him. He flung out his arms and stood there at
the edge of the cliff. Somewhere inside he felt an urge to live. Somewhere
inside he felt a hope lingering…telling him that his life was worth more than spending
on one failure’s despair...
*******
love
harimohan
P.S- Wrote this hearing "let go" of "the dewarists s2 e1" and edited hearing the unplugged version of nenjukulle by ar rahman ,the song from kadal sung by shaktisree gopalan
I really enjoyed writing this one. Even as i began, i didnt have the complete thread. The hope despair lovestory was brewing for ages. I had even started writing it in a whole different way in past,but couldnt continue writing. This time, as i started off i didnt expect that i could complete it. I feared it would be finished within 300 words,then 400words,then 500,then 700. But it crossed 900, beyond that i was so into the story that i forgot to check the wordcount till it ended.
:D
P.S of P.S- I assure you,you'll notice many things u wudnt have noticed in the 1st read,in the 2nd read. so i wud say,read it twice :)
