Leave it !!!

On Ajith's Malayalam Bday

2011-08-28T04:26:00.000-07:00

The Limiting Factor

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the futile attempt to wile away time staring at the road outside, now presenting no sign of any human activity, I closed my eyes. After all I could always look inside myself. What else could I do! My reading was martyred quarter hour ago for the sake of sleep of others when the driver turned off the lights. Today, looking inside, I felt blank. No thoughts knocked in. I sighed and leaned on to the bars of the window.
‘The whole bus waiting for one passenger, just one ‘The limiting factor’ I thought. I sat there bored and thinking of what I should think about…
A few minutes passed and then the rumble of an auto rickshaw set in and grew gradually till I could make out that it halted just outside the door .The driver of the bus gestured impatiently , but silently at the ‘limiting factor’ whose presence evident, but not yet visible to me. The driver groaned when the ‘limiting factor’ made a thudding noise entering the bus. It was a she, the limiting factor.
And the martyrdom of my reading was almost for a lost cause now, as most sleeps were broken, at least momentarily by the thud. The dark outline of the limiting factor gestured a silent apology to the ‘unfortunate woke-ups’. Then she turned to the driver and whispered something. The driver switched on the light. I thought with a grudge “There it goes from ‘Almost nothing’ to ‘nothing’… martyrdom for a lost cause…”.
The bus started moving. The limiting factor not any more a limiting factor to the bus, now the limiting factor to the sleeps of many, was scanning for a seat. I saw her face. I was horrorstruck. I didn’t want to be seen by her!!! I stooped so as to hide from her and sat looking down at the floor neither sure if she had noticed me nor if she recognized me in the first place.
The seat by me was empty, I noticed with a chill running down my spine. Hands cold, heart beats like gallops, what more should I say to convey what I felt. I prayed ‘Not here please. Not here of all seats’
Before even the prayer could have reached anyone, I saw the shadow of the limiting factor thorough the corner of my eye, placing her bag under the seat, preparing to sit by me. I sat looking out of the window trying to hide my face. Hands were shivering a bit and my stomach gave a sudden lurch.
A few moments passed and then breaking the silence that prevailed, the limiting factor, asked ‘Could you close that window please?’
I didn’t answer. I didn’t look at her. I just closed the window. The glass being black didn’t let in anything but yellow flashes of light sources and obscurity passing behind. Now it was pointless pretending to look sideway and hence useless to use that as a cover.
I looked slightly sideways and downwards, avoiding her face. The corner of the eye suggested some vague notion that she was looking at me. And then, god bless the driver, he turned off the lights. Now she wasn’t the limiting factor of their sleeps but mine. The limiting factor of my peace of mind. Always the limiting factor of something…even back then…
In a silence of tension I sat. The silence was broken down by her sweet voice, not the tension. “Is this Suresh?”
I looked at her with a foolish smile. And now, in my forties, I felt like a boy. The same who met her some quarter century back. ‘Growing out of this funny feeling was impossible, even after all these years’, I thought. I felt a bit ashamed, a bit humiliated. Only bits compared to the old feeling. Well now I found it really funny too. Something I could laugh at, sharing with my wife.
“That’s a surprise; after all these years!!! ” the exclamation in her voice was genuine. This was first time she talked to me!!! I was more used to her silence. Her DNPs as I call it…
She started asking where I was going, of my life in general, making small talk. I couldn’t but feel a thrust inside me at the sight of the vermillion on her hairline. Another funny feeling. Not that I felt anything for her. I am someone who believes i got the best wife in the world. Still it kind of itches, you know, slightly, and funnily. I had an urge to grin at the thought, I killed it even before it took birth.
I answered one question after another. Well, I never knew she was talkative. Always thought she was of the silent sort. I couldn’t ask much. She was like an interviewer.
She asked “Your wife?”
I smiled and said “I have the best”.
“Why?!!” She smiled and asked, exclaiming a bit.
I laughed and said “Made for me…”
She just smiled. Then asked more, more and more…
Time flew on and at some point I looked at my radium dial wristwatch. It was past 1 AM. She noticed it and said ‘It’s time to sleep I guess’
I nodded, though not so sure I could easily…
She took a blanket out of her bag and as she was unfolding it, she asked passively “You still write, na?”
My stomach gave another lurch. I said nothing.
She continued “Your letters. They were beautiful.”
I nodded smiling, avoiding her eye. Then she said “You didn’t answer me…”
I said “A bit. Now and then…”
“Published anything?”
“No…Just for myself…you know…personal satisfaction”
She sat back, covered herself with the blanket and wished me night…then she said after a pause “keep writing… Shouldn’t waste the talents you have. You know, many cant.”
I sat back and closed my eyes. I couldn’t help grinning. I sat ruminating over those days far behind…Those days…

What’s your concept of a typical SENIOR at college? That was me.

A Scornful Greek god wouldn’t have been as scornful as me to my juniors. Ruthless and feared. Yet accepted and respected. All of it...in the right proportions for a typical senior I guess.
M.A economics wasn’t hard for me. Marks, never below average and work, never above average. The college life was life itself. Ragging was mostly fun, never too hard…Just funny and fun. Some arrogant lots got it lots though.
My final year at college. That’s when she came to my college and to my life. That’s how I used to think then. Well, now, I correct it. She never came to my life.
I still remember staring at her, the very first time I met her…a beautiful girl with hostile eyes. I was dealing with some junior boys, trouble-makers,well, to their luck I got distracted .I learned from them that she was of BA literature (English) class. Name was Vrinda.
Then I started hanging out near the Literature Block with my friends. During breaks when she came out, I made it my duty to be present there to stare at her, with all my heart wishing she would answer my stares somehow. It was as if she never noticed my stares. Her hostile eyes were immune to them. The negligence in them indeed acknowledged the deliberateness of the act and the deliberateness was a relief as it acknowledged that she was aware of my stares and deliberately ignoring them.
Within a couple of weeks, it was well known to everyone that I was after her. Even she knew it, though she still was deliberately neglecting it. Shameful to me it became, when even after a couple of months, it didn’t progress from stares unanswered. A so called ’feared, ruthless and scornful’ senior-most boy totally ignored by a junior-most girl. I felt shameful indeed. I didn’t have to do it this way. There were faster ways, ways that didn’t guarantee effectiveness though. But I decided to be patient.Afterall it was a matter of love.
Anyway I had no idea what to do about this. So I opened up to my closest friend Das. The man of solutions to any emotional issue, except his own. Well, ironically as life always is, his solutions always worked for others, never himself. Leave that…Anyway Das heard me out. He gave it a thought
“Why not write her a letter. That’s the best solution I guess. And you know, beautiful letters always gets them into the net. Well, not the illiterate ones” he said laughing to his own joke and then added “Passing it to her is easy. We can leave that to Raji. She is at the Ladies’s”( Raji was his lover)
The idea seemed simple and perfect. I left for my room immediately, to pen down my love to pin down my love. It took me more than a dozen days, few duodecad papers every time and a lot of frustration to realize why I didn’t take literature in the first place. I postponed ‘penning down my love’ for some time later knowing that ‘some time later’ was analogous to putting away indefinitely.
The shame was eating me each day. The boldness of my stare steadily decreased. I felt like everyone around were silently mocking me. I couldn’t take it anymore. Telling her was like a blocked bottleneck, as if the narrow neck wasn’t enough…
How could I let her know? How? How? That’s the only thing for which my brain worked and my brain worked overtime for a solution. All the time except staring at her. Funniest thing is, she knew it and yet I had to do this!
With Arts festival that year, came the perfect solution. The idea was simple: assign the work to someone who aced it and reap the results. I called the boy who got prize for English Short story writing and Essay writing, Baalu. This writer was my resource, another resource of a resourceful economist. I told him what I wanted. ‘Beautifully written letters’. I gave him the points I wanted to see in it. I didn’t have to threaten him to do it; that was the way I was looked at by my juniors all except one who never looked at me at all.
The draft of the first letter came. I read it. It was exactly what I wanted it to be. Perfect. The draft got promoted to original. I didn’t thank him. He wasn’t to be pampered unnecessarily. That would make him demanding. The letter was passed through Raji.
Next day, with boosted up self confidence I went to my usual place with my friends, a little earlier than break, waiting for her. I was eager to see her response. And when the break came she came out. I stared; she just went on with her Deliberate Negligence Programme(DNP). Neither a reply nor an acknowledgement. I was offended, I was frustrated and I was ashamed.
I called the Baalu boy back and asked him to write another letter, telling what I felt when she deliberately ignored the letter from me. He smiled hearing the ‘from me’.
I knew why. I said offended ‘I make you write them. I give you what to write. It’s from me. Some directors use camera-men instead of doing the camera work themselves. It’s the same here’
Anyway the boy did it well this time too. The letter was well written. I got it delivered to her through Raji again.
Every next day was similar…it became a vicious cycle. More shame, more frustration, more letters, more deliberate negligence, more shame, more frustration, more letters, more deliberate negligence. It went on, so on and so forth…
And at some point it reached my threshold, the breaking point. I decided to break the ‘next day’ cycles that prevailed. I was getting impatient and really really offended at her arrogance.
I thought ’Who does she think she is? Some heavenly princess? Who did she think she was playing with? What was she thinking? That I didn’t know of other better ways of dealing to her? Spitting on my humility, is it?
The next day I went with sleeves rolled up than usual. The feared scornful Greek god-like attitude evidently took over, which I neither used at her nor to get to her, till now. Well, seeing her I felt they would all melt off. I feared I would smile foolishly involuntarily.
I went to her walking in a violent manner and repeated my thoughts in an aggressive tone “Who do you think you are? Some heavenly princes? Who do you think I am? Who do you think you are playing with? Do you think I don’t know better ways to deal with you? …”

Well I couldn’t complete the rest of it as the boys around thought I was violent and pulled me back. Well, I was in total control and there wasn’t any need for all that. But how could they know. Well, people love to make a scene out of nothing. Then a big sensational story out of it. The same happened here too

All, actually from nothing…

The very same day I wanted to apologize to her for getting angry. But no one would let me go anywhere. I was treated like a nut that could at any moment go blasting. Sidekicks became like self-appointed bystanders. Everyone wanted to console me. Das had gone home and hence I was stuck up with all of them. Bystanders than friends.
The very next day her father came to college and complained. The day that followed, I was suspended from college for a few days and my father was informed. Suspension never mattered. But informing my father was a little too much, being the man he was.
Well, my father was a strict man. A man of principles above everything. I believe I don’t have to explain how he would have reacted to his own son misbehaving to a girl.
“ Better not born than born to be son like this” he declared. Then he warned with a lot of swearing that if I ever disturbed that girl or any other girl he would banish me from family. No talking back was allowed. Well, this much was bearable than what he did the very next day. He went to Vrinda’s house to see her and her father, to apologize for his son. I felt ashamed, humiliated and downtrodden.Till then I held some hope of getting her back.Now, I couldn’t even think of facing her ever again.
After I returned I kept my word. I didn’t ever disturb her…
Even the thought of her was depressing and humiliating. I wasn’t ‘the scornful senior’ anymore. I retreated into my shell and moved on with my life. Passed my MA Economics with first class marks. Got my Doctorate and then started working. Got married to my wife… I mean, I made her my wife by marrying her.

I couldn’t help grinning at her words “Your letters. They were beautiful.”
And with that grin on my face I slept by her. Literally
****
The mobile alarm rang at 6 in the morning. I woke up and found she was already up. She looked tired and sleepy though. She was folding her blanket and packing it into her bag. I wished her morning.
Her mobile rang. She answered it “Am almost there. In a couple of minutes we’ll be at the stop….okay”
She hung up, turned to me and asked “By the way forgot to ask you where you are going?”
“Marriage of a friend’s daughter”
“You told that yesterday. I mean now. Direct from the stop. To know if it’s someplace we can drop you on our way. Or you have someone waiting to pick you up?”
“Well, I have a room booked at Hotel Tri-Star. None to pick up.”
“Aha. That’s on our way… we will drop you.”
The bus finally reached the station. We got down. She looked around and then noticing her car, slowly walked towards it. I followed her. She opened the back door and put her baggage to the other side. She held the door open for me. I got in.
Then she got into the front seat. Her husband turned back and extended his hands to me. The face shook me more. I saw the face of the man who vermilliononized her forehead, with a sickening jolt in my stomach. A funny feeling again. Funniest of all…
“This is my husband. “And she added “you might know him …”
He turned back to drive, with a smile.
Yes I did…
She continued “Baalu was my classmate. Well, he is a freelancing journalist and has some books to his name. Baalu has friends who are literary agents. If you want to get published, he can help you.”
‘What was going on? ‘ I thought, with a unique feeling. I didn’t know what to feel. What’s that feeling called?
I thought on and on ‘Was it her sarcasm? Were they making fun of me? I couldn’t tell from her voice. Was he so noble that he never told his wife he wrote the letters and not me? Was it that they were in love from back then and he had told her then itself, that my letters were his? Or had she known all the way here right from college that he wrote them? Was he the limiting factor that kept me from getting her? Or they fell in love much later, after I left and then he told later?? Did he tell her? Did she really know?’
I couldn’t say. I couldn’t ask either…So many questions. None could be answered without telling her the answer which if she really didn’t know would be embarrassing for me. Or getting it out of her that she knew it all, right from the beginning, straight to face, would be equally embarrassing(and funny).
All I could do was wonder… and remain puzzled because puzzled was better than embarrassed.
They dropped me before Hotel Tri-Star and as they bid me farewell, she turned to me, taking a card from the dash. A visitor’s card of her husband’s and said “Keep writing. Bye then. See you”
I waved them a good-bye and stood there still puzzled.
She knew it? Or she didn’t? I wondered
What else could I do but wonder!!!

-------
Again :P I dont know if anyone would read this far :P its long I guess :P
Cheetha vilikaan mobilil message ,gmailil offline, ivide thanne comments :) u know the routine na :D
love
hari

Pre-valentine-post... pre and post :D

2011-02-04T11:15:00.000-08:00

Literally or otherwise…

Prologue

Unlike most boys get to, I didn’t have to run after her, nor was I in a position to. But she gave me her heart . She trusted me with it… of course with a “*conditions apply” tag with it…

************

I sat in the bus. Most of the seats were empty. I sat cozily in the back seat, by the window. The conductor was counting the change. The few in the bus, like me were enjoying their side seat wind and view. It was unusual for the bus to be this less crowded on a working day evening like today. Anyway I sat back and looked out of the window, actually looking at nothing…

The bus stopped at the next stop. That’s what stops are made for, right? I just sat looking who was entering. Through the back door an old lady entered and sat in one of the empty seats. The conductor rang the bell. But the bus didn’t move. Basically it’s not the bell .It’s the driver who gets it moving. So I wondered what the driver was waiting for.

Suddenly through the front entrance she entered the bus. A friend of her’s whom I knew not followed. Not that I knew all the rest of her friends. Still…That doesn’t challenge the fact that I didn’t know this one either.

Gooseflesh set in. I didn’t expect her now. I sat there awed, silently not knowing what to do. Should I go to her? Would she see me? Would she come to me and talk if she saw me? Or would she be uncomfortable talking to me with the friend around and ignore?

She didn’t notice me sitting in the back. They sat down in one of the front row seats. She sat by the window. They panted and laughed looking at each other, probably excited at having caught the bus after a long run together. Maybe she wouldn’t have minded me going to her and talking. But I myself was uncomfortable of talking in front of a person I knew not. So I sat there, contemplating her.

The bus was moving again. Their initial excitement and panting went down in some time. They now sat like two islands connected by a headphone, lost in their own worlds. She sat looking out of the window. Her hair flew in the wind. Once in a while she would move her fingers through them and put them in place. But that didn’t keep them from dancing in the wind. I wished I could run my fingers through them. She appeared lost in thoughts, maybe daydreams… about me??? Maybe!!!

The conductor rang the bell again. The bus stopped. She and her friend stood up and went out. I sat there watching her get out of the bus…

The conductor called out to me now “This is your stop here, sir.”

I came back to my senses. I ran out of the bus, thanking the conductor for reminding me. I stood there and looked around as the bus left. Then crossed the road, walked a few paces and turned right to enter a street road. The lane in which she lived. The road to her home...

Prologue continues…

…First and foremost of which was that I should visit her home very often. That I was always welcome there. That her parents would love me visiting. That they would love me like her. Like their own son… Even I love it there. Always felt home there…

************

At a distance she and her friend were walking. They were talking all the time and laughing. I walked slowly so that they wouldn’t see me. She shouldn’t feel uncomfortable with her friend around. Though this one did feel a close friend. I can’t say. Girls do sweet-talk even to the girls they envy or hate, as if they were friends for the previous ten lifetimes. To be on the safer side I kept a safe distance and walked slowly.

She reached the front of her home. She bid her friend goodbye for the day and the friend walked her way. She opened the gate went in. A sudden thought came to me. If I get there immediately after she gets there, won’t her parents think we both came together? That we were fooling around together? Though it wasn’t true it would be hard to convince them. Though they wouldn’t express doubt, they wont buy it. Not that it really mattered. Still… so I waited there for some time.

A sudden honk of horn took me out of all the interwoven thoughts about her, me and the daydreams with her. I slowly walked towards her home, opened the gate, walked to the door and rang the doorbell. I waited there composing my mind, to face the one who would open the door.

I heard hasty footsteps coming towards the door. The bolts were opened and her mother stood in front of me.

She said “Aah, son! It’s you, come in. Come in. Sit down there” pointing at the chairs in the hall and continued “Father’s upstairs lighting the lamp. He’ll come soon. You just make yourself comfortable. I’ll make tea for you.”

I smiled gently and did as she said. She hurried off to the kitchen…

I sat back, relaxed. I felt home…

I heard someone running the floor above and looked up the staircase. There she was. After bath with a towel wound around her hair. She smiled like a child.Like a little cute child.She gestured she would come soon. I smiled. She looked so cute…

She was off, probably to her room. Hair drying, for girls (with some hair), is an elaborate process. Immensely time consuming as far as I know. I took a walk around the room, looking through her trophies, medals, childhood pictures, a few family photos and a lot of fancy statues…

Her father came down now and greeted me “When did you come?”

“Just now… a couple of minutes ago”

“ She also came just some time ago. Taking a bath I think”

“I saw”

He eyed at me suspiciously and I understood why.

I added “I mean, she came by the stairs before going to dry her hair” and smiled foolishly.

Prologue continues…

…She had said in her first letter that she waited for very long to give her heart to someone. Many handsome boys asked. But they weren’t deserving enough she said. She waited. She tried imagining and finding possibilities of a probable soul mate in every third person she met, she found none of them deserving enough. So she kept on waiting for her one. The one to own her heart. Her man…

************

I sat relaxed and lost in my world till her father interrupted my daydreams and thoughts. As he came down the stairs he called out to me “Aah, when did you come?”

“Just… a couple of minutes ago” I answered standing up from the chair.

“Mother saw you , right?”

She called out from the kitchen “ I did. I did. How would he have got in if I hadn’t?”

Father ignored the her comment and came and sat down . I sat down.

He asked me “ Hows it now? You all right?

“Yes. Am allright. Still on drugs and exercises. But am perfectly allright.”

Her father leaned forwards and placed his right hand on my chest and closed his eyes, feeling my heart beat. A tear was on its making in the corner of his eye…

Prologue continues...(only to end)

…Her first letter to me was her last letter to anyone. I never saw her when she was alive. But I feel her alive within me. I owe her this life…and somehow am in love with her. I dream about her day and night. Maybe it’s because most people love themselves with all their heart. My heart still hasn’t lost it for her previous owner. She should have been a good person… a loving and caring person. That’s what her letter makes me feel. Cute too as the photos show... She is gone, and yet am in love with her, with all my heart, which belongs to her…literally or otherwise…

************

love you all

hari

PS- Its around 1 in the morning now. am done editing this story like thing. urakkam varunnu. as ever entthu cheeta vilikanelum madikenda... post as comments or put as offlines :D

thanks to 2 songs for keeping me typing... tujhe bhula diya from anjaana anjaani and uyrile from vettayaadu vilayaadu :)

signing off, with lots and lots of love

hari

Open or close?

2011-01-23T08:37:00.000-08:00

Doors before, open or close?

Cant say though so close…

So numb are these hands,

That, the key that eye finds,

Hands find so hard to hold.

Doors before, open or close?

Cant say though so close…

Can’t raise the hands in fear,

Of the pain I may not bear,

Of pushing the door ajar,

Find nothing, leaving a tear,

Pain ‘n deep within me ,a scar…

Doors before, open or close?

Can’t say though so close…

Unsure of what I may find,

The mirth, if fate’s so kind,

Or the pain that might sprout,

Unsure of what would come out…

Would you want to find out?

Doors before, open or close?

Cant say though so close…

Will all the pain be worth,

If I decide to stride forth,

To open them, walk through ‘n find

Dungeons, what if that's what i find ?

And not a garden, cynic i may turn out...

Doors before, open or close?

Cant say though close…

Cant say however close,

If I want them open or close…

Love

hari

P.S- am not the man of poems. Actually man of none. juz a man. excuse me for writting this...

Meghasanesam malayaalam for arts fest

2010-12-18T19:08:00.000-08:00

Megha sandesam ennu vecha love letter writing competition on the given topic.
njngalkku topic was "jailil taamasikkunna aalannu ningal.Oru mathilinte apurath streekalude jailile oraalnu ezhuthunna kathu." lyk mathilukal by basheer
enthaayalum vaayikum munne parayatte. Ithine love letter writing competitionu ezhuthiyathinu thallukem cheeta vilikem okke cheyaatirikenda :D hehe

Priyapetta Kukkoo,

Rocketukalaayum Paper pantukalaayum mattu pala aakrithikalaakkiyum ee mathilukalkku mele parannu varunna Kathukalaal maatram parichayamullla, ennal koode vasikkunna ‘perukki’kalekaal nannyi ennikariyaavunna ente swantam kukkoo kutti…

Ariyaathe oraale kuthi konnu enna kuttathinu shikshayenna mattil enne jaililekku ayachavaro, varumbol njano pratheekshichirunilla manasukal anuraagathaal ‘mathilukal chaadi kalikkunna’ oridethkkaanu njn ethi cheraan pokunnathennu. 12 kollathe jeevaparyantham kazhinju ente naalpathiettaam vayasil evide ninnirangumbol oru ena jeevitatil vannu cherumennu orikalum cicharichirunilla… Avicharithamaayitaanallo jeevitam nammale palayidathum ethikunnathu. Jail vaasikal thirikke naatilkekku chekkerumbol jeevitam ethaandu kuttichoraaya avasthayilaavumennu kettitundu.Joli kittilla. Pennum kittilla. Iniyippo erangumbo joli maatram thediyaal mathiyallo ennoraashvaasam thonnunnu. Vishvasikaan thanne vayya!!! Ethu Jail tanneyaano!!!! Mathilinappurathu nee ellayirunenkil ethu verum jail alla, narakamaayi poyenne!!! Shikshikaan Swargathilaano ayakkuka!!!!

Eppozhum vishvasikaanavunilla…Basheernte mathilukal vaayichapozho, padam Dooradarsanil kandapozho ethokke nadannekkamennu karuthiyilla. Epppo athu vaayichathukodnu chulli-kambukalum mattum kodnu signal ettu nine vilikaanum kathukal kaimaaranum okke pattunnu!!! Basheernu oraaayiram nandi…

Ninte shiksha kaalavadhi etrayaanu enna chodyathinu ethu vare orutharam kittiyilla. Cheytha kuttam enthaanennu chodikunnilla. Athippo kolpaathakamaayalum ennikonnumilla(kolapaathakam valiya kuttamonnumalla enna ente nilapaadu) Atho ennekaal munne jail vaasam kazhinju pokum enna satyam paranjal ente manasu novum ennu vechu parayaandirikunnataano? Nonthotte. Paranjo. Eduthadicha pole oru divasam kelkunathilum nallatu nerathey ariyunnathu tanneya.

Pinnoru kaaryam. Orikalum ennodu kallam parayaruth. Enne vanchikaruth. Aadya kathil nee paranja prayam kallamalla ennu vishvasikunnu. Kaanamarayathaavumbol taaalkaalika sukhathinum nerampokkinum ulla orupaadhiyaayi enne kaanunna oru ammachi thallayendum allalo alle? Ay, njn ninnne samsayikunnilla.

Nee ennodu kallam parayoola, alledi kalli?

Evide ninnirangumbol nammude randu perudeyum naaadukalil ninnu orupaadakale nammude jailvaasa charitrathe patti aarkum ariyaatha oru kochu gramathilekku pokanam. Avide thaamasam aakanam. Aa prayathil nammukku kunjungal undaavumo? Undaayal tanne 35 vayasu kazhiyum enna nilakku mandabudhikalaavummo undaavuka…ohh valiya vetyasam engum varaanilla.entem nintem kunjungalalle!!! Pinne ini kuttikal illel tanne pedikanda. Njn Kuthi konna ente aadya bhaaaryayil ennikundaaya oru mon undu. Perinorenam. Nanch enthinu naanaazhi . Alla, Chodikaan vittupoyyi. Neeyum kettyathaano? Erangumbo avakaasavaadom paranju varaan vallorumundo? Athoo enne pole konnitaano varavu? Avakaasa vaadom paranjoruthan varumenkil mohana swapnangal onnum enniku taranda. Atrayonnum thaangilla ente ee pinchu hridayathinu(sherikum njn visaala hridayan tanneya. Pinne Pinchu hridayam ennokke parayunnu enne ullu)
Pandu skoolil povaan Vaapachi thalli vidumbol madichu madichaanu poyyirunath. “padichit njn enna kaanikaana?”ennum chodichu vaapachiye vishamipichitund. Pakshe innu vaapachiye kettipidichorumma kodukaan thonnunu. Annu aa manushyan thalli vittilaarunel aksharaabhyaasam polumillate ivied ethipetteney. Ennal kathezhuthaan onnum pattilaarunnu. Ee mathilinu keezhe vere ethenkilumoru konthan rocket parathunathum kandu irikendi vanneney!!! Vaapachi annu arinjirunnu kaanumo mon valiya oru rocket vikshepakan aavumennu, abdul kalamine okke pole!!! Kadapaadundu vaapachi, oraayiram kadapaadu…

Athokke potte. Palarum enne patti palathum parayum. Nee vishvasikaruth. Chillar parayum ennikku vattanennu. Enniku vattonnumilla. Athinulla thelivaanallo njn jailil ethiyathu. Vattundaarunel enne chikilsaykalle ayaku.jailil vidoolaloo. Vattilenkil enthaa, Bhranthille! Sirakalilum kai-kaalukalilum, hridayathilum, talachorilum aake motham neeyenna unmaadamaanu, bharanthaanu.

Pranayathinu praayamilla ennu kettitundu. Athukondaanu nalla prayathil pattandirunapozhum vishamam thonnanjey. Ippo manasilaayi Prayamennu maatramalla edavum oru kaaaramalla ennu. Njn cheythathu kuttamaavilla. Kuttathinu kittendathu shiksha alle! Allel tanne aa thaadakaye konnathu oru kuttamalla. Alla , thadaka ennu avale vilikubo thaadakaye konnathu Krishnan alle ,athu kondu enikum angyerde 16008 pole kure line undo ennu samsayikenda. Enthaayalum santhoshavaanayi jailil jeevikunna oreyoraal njnaavum. Evidulla wardenmaarku polum itrem santhosham kaanilla!!!

Aadya bharyaye kuthi konathum athu ente kuttamalla ennu vaadichapozho ennikku vattanu verthey vidanam ennu vaadichapozho judge kelkaathirunathum ellam nimitangalaayi thonnunnu. Nine ennilekkethikaan padachon kanda vazhi. Enthayaalum oru vazhipizhacha vazhiyaayi poyyi!!! Potte, saaaramilla. Mikacha dhanyathinum vithu paakanamallo. Nine kittan thokke cheyanam ennathaavum vidhi . Orikalum piriyaruth. Ennum ee mathilente apurath venam. Ennu vechu njn ellathapozhum mathilinte paurathirunnu vere aarkum kathezheutanam ennallla. Jailil ninnu poyalum kathezhuthanam. Ennittu post cheythaamathi. Vannu eriyanam ennilla. 12 varsangal kazhinju njn erangumbol, nammude edayille ee mathil apratyakshamaavumbol,ee bandhathinte aazham koodaane vazhiyullu( kaanumbo konnu kuzhichu moodan thonniyaal aazham koodumallo)

Oruthan erunnu nokkunnu.njn enna cheyunne ennu. Wardente sidil ulla valla naariyumaayirikum. Paper kakkkan tanne paadupettu. Ini avan poyyi warden ariyichittu ayal vannee kathu pidicha kooduthal rocket vikshepanam nadataan ee areayil adukaan pinne pattiyennu varilla ennu maatramalla athinulla aarogyom kaanilla. Ninte rocket udane thanne pratheekshikunnu

Ennu ninte swantam
sasikuttan
( atho sasiyettano,ninakenthu vilikaanaadi ishtam? enthu vilichaalum sasiye nee sasi aakaruthenne ullu)

on this onam ...

2010-08-26T03:06:00.000-07:00

Some Good Sleep…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It seemed like any other day in the universe. Planets were rotating in their own axis and revolving around the sun while the Mobile City of Heaven was just a mile away from the Saturn’s ring. God stood in his balcony glancing at the enormous Jupiter. Then he looked at Earth. Letting out a sigh of relief he thought ‘Thank myself I decided to experiment it all on Earth rather than Jupiter!’

Then God said, as if in a confessing tone, to the angel of highest order standing beside him, his eyes fixed on Earth “This isn’t my world anymore. These are the ruins, the shadows of it. Sadness. It’s gotten over the whole system. It has plagued anything and everything possible. Raised itself to a higher level, combined with everything bloody me-damned thing possible, in all permutations and combinations to generate all these complicated feelings. Anger, vengeance, desperateness and what not. What I created to glorify happiness has had glory over it. Overshadowed it.”

“No sir. It’s not overshadowed completely. Just a bit shadowed. That’s all. It’s still out there and still everything isn’t beyond repair. There’s still hope. This can be solved.”

“No. Everything is going to fall apart. Out of place. Hope? Who are you to talk about hope? Have you felt it? Ever in your life?”

“You know the answer sir, of course it’s a ‘no’. But I do believe in that concept. Concepts are the only things we can resort to. After all we angels can’t have feeling. May I ask, Sir, are you drunk?” the angel asked in his plain tone as ever.

“I don’t have a solution for the maze I have created. I manipulated the Adriane’s thread when I created sadness. Now am stuck up here. See the irony! The creator has no idea how to solve what he created. Without the Adriane’s thread in an ever changing maze. Am feeling helpless.”God said desperately.

“Sir, you didn’t answer me. But I do make out from all this talk that you are drunk. I’ve seen you drunk many a time in the past. But then you were happy and were euphorically rejoicing all that you created. Today you seem to be over-drunk, sir. Over-drunk to go beyond happiness and let the other feelings come in. Drunk enough to let sadness and those complex emotions plague you, sir. You need some rest. Sir, take rest till the kick’s gone.”

Now God looked up sharply at the angel’s face and said “Of course am drunk. Does that bother you? You are just envious of me. You can’t have feelings. You’ll die if you drink it and so the grape’s sour.”

“Envy, sir, is another feeling and how can I have it if I can’t drink the ‘Liquor of Feelings’. And sir you know how dangerous it is for God, the creator, the administrator to have feelings. It will make you think like Men. Sir you know that you won’t be able to do what is necessary, with all these feelings playing around in your mind. Take rest till the kick’s gone.” said the angel plainly.

“Stop it. Shut up. Who taught you all this? Who created the ‘Liquor of Feelings’? Who told you about it? And above all, have you had a firsthand experience about what you are talking of? I created this liquor. I know how to deal with it. Don’t you try to teach ME!!! You can’t ever have it in your life and if you have it you will no more have life! Stop talking to me like you know something, you envious creature.” God swore.

Angel remained silent for a moment and then said “Sir, take some rest, please. Till you get over the kick of ‘Liquor of Feelings’. We’ll take care of everything till then.”

God scratched his head and slowly turned away from the angel. His hands into his pocket and face facing the floor he slowly walked to his room.

In his room he sat down on his bed feeling all desperate, sick and down cursing himself for his creations. He now switched on the TV. Guys, don’t start wondering now. Heaven has got every technology, in their most sophisticated form which is still undiscovered in earth. Heaven gives glimpses of ideas of those technologies and ideas in dreams, as passing thoughts etc which is how it all comes discovered down here on earth.

Heavenly TVs have Angelic Intelligence (A.I). What’s it? This is it. An angel appeared in the TV screen asked “What do you want to see today, sir? News? Human movies? Anything to please you, sir?”

God sat there thinking for a while. Then he said ‘Show me a live event with someone despising me. Who was once a follower, a believer of mine and now no more because that somebody feels am such a sucker.”

“With Thought Subtitles, sir?”

“Of course.”God said

“Amen” said the angel and the TV screen went blank for a moment.

Then the screen showed a room with two men. They were in their mid 30s. The small table in front of them had a few bottles of liquor, soda and glasses. Butts of cigarette were resting on the table.

One of the men looked agitated and depressed. He sipped one a whole glass of it in one go and placed the glass on to the table with such force that the sound created made his mother peep out of the kitchen door. The other guy was just holding the glass, not drinking.

The agitated guy now started talking out loudly “There can’t be a goddamn god, yaar. No there can’t be. Look all around! I don’t want to believe that god is someone who finds joy in punishing the good, taking away from the deserving, killing people unreasonably, killing people with some goodness at earlier age and letting the worst of men live a long life!!! All that just needs a sadist, greedy, tyrannical mass murderer. No. God can’t be a psycho. Whatever is going on looks more a psycho’s work? There is no god. Better believe in no god than that god is a psycho. ” he said shaking his head.

The friend looked helpless and didn’t know what to say. But finally he managed to say, swallowing the initial reluctance “It’ll all turn out for good. Don’t lose faith. You are going through hard times. Have some faith, man.”

“Hard times? Hardest...Worst...” Said the agitated man in a sarcastic tone and continued “That’s what he gives to ones who have complete faith over him? Unanswered prayers can be justified by saying ‘maybe he has better things in store for you’ or ‘maybe you prayed for a foolish thing’. What about this? What about what he has done to me? No, now don’t try to bring me back to believing such things. I don’t want to believe in such a god…”

The friend now looked at him as if in sympathy, patted his shoulder and said “Stop drinking…It’s for your good am saying. Give up the past. Start living the rest. Do something”

The agitated man looked down at the floor and said “For my good…of course. Now it’s just me left here. What’s so good about this life anymore??!! She isn’t anymore, nor is my child. Without them what’s my life worth? I try to have faith in god. I end up in believing that god killed them… So I gave up faith. Without them it’s hard. Without faith it’s harder. You feel helpless. Bloody goddamn helpless. You feel you have no one to call out for. You see hopes are all just made up. Now you tell me, doesn’t your god have feelings? Doesn’t he feel bad taking off from a man his wife and only child leaving him in so much pain?”

“No son, I have them only when am drunk.” God talked out loud sitting in his room, of course knowing that the man would never hear it but equally wishing he knew all these limitations he had.

Now his mother appeared in the scene and tried to clear the table off the bottles and glasses saying “Enough of it, son. Enough.” and tears rolling down one of her cheeks.

Both of the men rose. The friend bid him goodbye and went. The drunk man walked with faltering steps to his room. He entered the room and bolted the door. He went and sat down on the bed. He took the remote control of the TV and switched it on. News was going on.

Rail accident. Earth quake somewhere. Someone given bail. Some political conspiracy. Corruption getting caught and corruption getting ignored. So on and so forth it went…

‘Everything seems to be the same of what I’ve been hearing everyday for the past 33 years.’ The thought subtitles of the man appeared on god’s TV “Sick .World’s getting sicker every day. Whatever good still exists is fading off slowly. No one is happy these days…sick…”

“Sorry son…” god said aloud, again knowing he won’t hear it, but wishing he could. “I can’t help it! Am equally helpless son!”

The man looked at the picture on the wall took when he and his wife were playing with their little daughter. Again the thought subtitles appeared “SICK SADIST…KILLER…”

Now the man rose from his bed and walked to his wardrobe and opened it with difficulty as he found it hard to insert the key into the keyhole with his shivering hands. He now moved the clothes in the wardrobe slowly and took out a small dark bottle.

God identified it. Sleeping pills. And God boasted aloud “They haven’t got one in a millionth strength of my sleeping pills. But that’s enough for you. Have some good sleep, son”

The man emptied all the tablets into his hands. God looked at all this awestruck. He talked out aloud again. “Suicide. That too in front of my eyes and I can’t do a thing about it!!! Angels won’t let me stop this as am drunk, with all these human feelings as they say. Bloody hell!!! I have none but myself. You all have me to call out for. Who can I call out to when I feel helpless??? Oh!!! Help me somebody!!!”

Then the man went to the corner and took the jug of water. Sitting down on the floor he started swallowing the tablets one by one. God watched it helplessly, feeling downtrodden, sick, tears rolling down his cheeks. He watched the man slowly fall unconscious.

Now god broke down into sobs. He cried out aloud. Then he rose up and walked to his wardrobe. He opened it and took out from midst of his things a dark bottle labeled ‘Sleeping pills’ with a caption ‘don’t take more than one’ written by himself.

“I need some good sleep. Some good sleep…”he said. Having seen all these sickening things with feelings he felt he couldn’t sleep without pills today.

Then he opened its lid and took out one tablet and swallowed it.

He thought ‘Am accused of it all. I can’t run this world with feelings. I know that. But they’ll never know. Poor me… Poor me-damned me…’

Then slowly he emptied the whole bottle of tablets into his hands and swallowed them one by one. He was mumbling “Have to, for some good sleep… Some good sleep”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

love you all,

hari :D

PS- every time I post something I say this. enne thalli kollale. chumma ezhuthiyatha.Kshemicherey :D

and with this post I wud put some words of caution. dont take this religiously or in any of that sense. and i wudnt entertain any comment of tht sort. Above all dont look for my belief or views in this article...

Friendship day post actually...

2010-07-20T07:17:00.000-07:00

"What They Wanted To Say"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This wasn’t my idea of a reunion. This was Rajesh’s. I watched him lick the cream off his fingers, enjoying himself to the core. His face reflected the delight he got from doing it. Felt he was the happiest man on earth. Food was always ‘the’ delight for him. Pastries were his area of expertise and that was the reason all four of us were sitting in one of the best pastry shops of the city for a reunion.
Ajoy, the chatterbox of our bygone school era had changed a lot. He was no more a chatterbox, rather say he was not into talking anymore. He had grown too serious. This version of Ajoy was so unlike the one I knew. I never expected this much change in just 3 years. To my relief, Hazid hadn’t changed much, but he now had a fully fledged beard and looked a bit more mature. He was the silent guy of the gang then and still silent. I’ve always wondered if his silence was out of some insecurity or out of some real maturity. I always believed it was “the-real-maturity-and-wisdom” part because his smile had something to it, as if he saw something deep in everything little thing going on around.
Here they were, sitting before me, after a long 3 years 4 months and 23 days, and all they cared for was the second pastry to be ordered. No one had anything to talk about. Maybe some distance had crept in. 3 years. Maybe new friends, who were nearer, took over. Maybe my constant letters and phone calls didn’t lessen the distance of the distance I was from them then. Maybe am just imagining thing…Maybe it’s just that they are pastry crazy…
Breaking the silence, I said “Nice pastry,na?”
Rajesh suddenly replied, chewing and all “Yup, yummy yummy.”
All of us suddenly burst into laughter. I couldn’t help noticing till-then-serious Ajoy laughing out loud and at some point getting confused if to come out of the shell.
Now I asked “How was the past three years? I used to write letters to all you three. Only Hazid used to reply. But his letters were too short. Most of it was about our school days and less about what was going on when I was away.”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rajesh

School days were fun. I could eat from all your tiffin boxes. We could hangout on holidays. It didn’t matter where, all it mattered was whether all four of us were there. Even one less than four made me feel the gang incomplete. It was not about just feeling incomplete. Everyone in the gang had some role. Ajoy was fun. He would chatter on and on. He was the talkative. The leader of our gang.

If Ajoy was funmkaer, I was the one made fun of. Obviously because I was a bit plump. I didn’t mind that. I was fat and I was proud of that. Whenever my pride was a little hurt by Ajoy’s ‘fun’ is where you came in. You would talk some nonsense to make me feel better and then make Ajoy say a “Sorry ,I just meant fun.No offence”. You were the unitor. I know there isn’t a word as ‘unitor’in English. But infact you kept us united. I can’t avoid telling that just because there isn’t a word as ‘unitor’. And there was Hazid. Hazid was the only guy who smiled at my stale jokes when both of you looked at me disgusted by my jokes. He would watch us as if from a distance and keep smiling.

For the past three years our unitor was away. Our gang fell apart. Ajoy’s world somehow shrunk. He stopped making fun,even making fun of me. I miss that. Hazid comes by occasionally. But there isn’t much talk and that makes me feel uncomfortable. His silence never made me uncomfortable when there were fourof us. It was always the gang of four…anything less was uncomfortable for me. Look at me today. With all you four around I find the pastries more tasty…

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ajoy

The only true friends I had at school were you people and the only time I had true friends was at school. Once out of school all of us where on the run for different things. You ended up out of state, far from all of us. Hazid ,Rajesh and me used to hang out together initially. But it turned out more of a disappointment. I found Rajesh uncomfortable with me. He could no more appreciate my jokes. I didn’t matter to him anymore. I hadn’t much to talk as my jokes were no more acceptable to him. Hazid, as you know, was always the silent guy. We didn’t have anything to keep this going. I slowly stopped hanging out with them.

College wasn’t anything like school. I never had close friends there. I didn’t have sidekicks like you people. All that concerned me there was lectures, attendances, studies. I was looked upon as a serious guy, an entirely different view from the one people had about me back there at school. I stuck to their new view. I acted serious for a while, I stopped talking for some time and I grew serious,I grew silent. Not that I enjoyed any of it. I felt I could never be that old Ajoy again. Not without all of you.

There were your letters. You always said you missed us, in every letter. But nevertheless you were happy with your new surroundings. You said you had some new friends. That you were enjoying college life. I envied you. Somehow I started thinking like you were responsible for this state of mine. As if it was after you went away that my life became the way it is now. As if took away with you something I needed to keep Hazid and Rajesh close.

Now you are back. After a long time, I’ve had a pretty good laughter. How long is this gonna last? Any plans to take off again?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hazid

Watching the three of you having fun was my idea of happiness, my idea of fun. I wasn’t funny, I hadn’t much charm, I never knew what to say and when. That always made me uncomfortable with dealing with people. But you people were comfortable with me, comfortable with my silence. Comfortable with it till 3 years ago. You people didn’t mind my silence. You took me for what I was. You people made my school life great. I still daydream those four school boys hanging out together at times. I don’t know how you tamed this silent me into your gang. No one ever tried taming me again. Silent people are taken for granted. My silence was always taken for granted by everyone.

I never got friends like you. After you went away something was missing. Ajoy was no more Ajoy. Rajesh was no more Rajesh. All were Hazids, silent. Somebody had to do the talking to keep this going. No one did. You see, I never knew what to say and when, never. So I kept mum as ever. Slowly I grew uncomfortable of my own silence in their company. I could no longer bear it. I thought it better to believe that they no longer cared for me rather than living each day feeling uncomfortable about myself. But I wanted them back in my life, in the old form. I cherished the old days, wishing they came back.

Wrote you letters about those old days, those good old days. The going-on life wasn’t exciting anymore. My island of consolation remained our memories together.And I had nothing to write much about the past three years. To me they were too dry…We needed you badly.We need you badly.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“You people didn’t answer me What was going on the last three years?Why are you guys staring at me? Why are you people silent?” I asked

Ajoy asked me “You will be staying? Or this is just a vacation.”
Rajesh added “ Stay here, wont you?”
Hazid smiled.

-----------------

love all of you loads and loads,
hari

PS-This is fiction. chars are not directly from real life.But everything of them is in sumone around,like me you or a frnd of yours, in all of us. Like the pastry crazy rajesh is in me and ajith and so many others, the chatterbox ajoy,the silent and eversmilng hazid.

In case u dint understand.the italics part is wat they wanted to say.not wat they said.athu manasilaavathe irikenda kaaryam illa.enalum am this telling to be on the safer side

After a long time...

2010-03-22T14:32:00.000-07:00

Part-1

Cold Coffee &Iced Tea

Iced tea

I sat there as if I didn’t see her. Not that I knew her or she expected me to look. Just that it was hard to keep your eyes off her. How should I describe her? That would be hard as I know neither enough nor the most suitable adjectives to describe her beauty. When I pretended to be thumbing through the magazine I bought at the railway station, I was actually making a Xerox copy of her face in my mind. Her smile was playing on my mind.

My Shuffle always had the songs for every occasion. Now it started off with Shania Twain's "Forever and for always". I was dancing with her inside, when I went into my usual cartoonish thinking; the cover of BEAUTY AND THE BEAST came into my mind. The beast dancing with the beauty. Beasts like me don’t deserve such beauties. I don’t have the looks. Still…the beast was actually a prince in the story, rite?Thats better. The prince inside me indeed deserved a princess. Were it this one this prince would be very happy. I grinned inside.

The boy came to wait my table. I took off the head phones and said to him “One iced tea…sweetened”

He nodded and walked off. I covered my face with both my hands, acting as if feeling tired conjuring a yawn and looked at her, through space between my fingers. She was listening and nodding to what one of her friend was muttering ,slowly sipping her cold coffee. As soon as they finished they got up picking up their baggage. Baggage. Something striked my mind now. There was one way of knowing whether she belonged to this city of mine or that she was going home now for the weekend. One chance to find out something at all about her. Even with that it was doubtful of me meeting her again. She was leaving. I wanted to follow her. I wanted to try and find out. But I didn’t know what to do. I looked kitchenwards.

There was this iced tea… in between

Cold coffee

He didn’t even look at me, not even once. Wherever I go boys don’t take eyes off me, ones whom I don’t give a damn about. Now when it comes that a boy whom I wish to give some damn about comes in front of me he doesn’t even looks at me. Life’s indeed strange!

I threw glances at him without him noticing, slowly drinking the cold coffee nodding my head at something my friends were discussing without even bothering to hear what they were talking about.

He wasn’t that handsome. I’ve never talked to him. I don’t know who he is. In short there wasn’t a single reason to fall in love with him…Then, is it for reasons we fall in love with people?

I now noticed that the cup was empty. Today it was drunk mechanically unlike most other times. Once more I secretly glanced at his table. He wasn’t served yet…

I should now wait for one more week to find out what he ordered…Maybe cold coffee…like me!!!

Part-2

Cold Coffee &Iced Tea

Iced tea

After a one-week-long-wait I was again waiting for another Iced tea. It wasn’t just about the iced tea. I was indeed about the cold coffee. But the one who should be ordering a cold coffee hadn’t arrive till now. It was already the time she had left last day. . I wanted to leave. But the iced tea still stood in between. Interestingly ironic,today I was despising myself for having ordered my favorite drink. I sat there for a long one minute and my iced tea arrived. At the same time the door of the cafe opened and her friends came in with their baggage. My heart was thumping. My hands were shivering a bit. I was excited one by one they came in. The last one entered she wasn’t there…

By then my hands were as cold as the iced tea in front of me. I gulped down the iced tea faster than usual. Of course I wasted my money on her…I mean the iced tea. What’s an iced tea without cold coffee?

Of course…just an iced tea…

But I don’t want to hate iced tea just because of a cold coffee that was never ordered…better hate all the cold coffee in the world…

Cold coffee

When I came in the waiter was cleaning the table “he” occupied last day. My friends were excited about the vacation, a break from the assignment and exam filled college days. I was excited on my way here. But now …

It was of course foolish of me to expect something like this. He didn’t even look at me last day. He might not have noticed me last week. Why should a guy come to a café just because he saw a beautiful girl there once? After all we meet a lot of people,a lot of beauties,a lot of handsomes tonloads of times in our life . Of course I was foolish to believe that the wildest of coincidences would happen today…fancying a guy might turn to the place where I met him just because I liked him which of course he never knew of!

I didn’t know how to respond to this. One part of me wanted to laugh at myself. another part of myself wanted to mourn at myself. But then mourn at what? It wasn’t like he ditched me or anything. He never promised he would come. I never talked to him or vice versa. We never exchanged looks. Exchange looks? He never even looked at me,not even once!!! It wasn’t a love failure…even more to it…it was never love…just a week’s daydream…love takes two. It was just me.

I looked down at the cold coffee and sat there my fingers playing with the straw…my mind played upon by thoughts…

Two months vacation… A chance of seeing him again seems near to never…

I will never know what he ordered…what he liked…maybe cold coffee…like me…

Extract from a chat with Venki

me: but oru chaya kuduchal theerunna prasnangalale jeevithathil ullu… cum I'll be here

Venki: :D enikkum eduthu vechere..:D choodayirikkanam enne ullu

me: pinne choodakanonnum patoola venel ice tea tharam

Venki: na..cold alle.. :D

me: cold cofee iced tea

let that be my next story's name

Venki: :D

credits to me

lol

me: half of it

Venki: inspiration

hehe

--------------------------

For Venki whom Unnikuttan calls DINKIDI...

Also for zacha pradhaman and jayadeep who introduced me to cold coffee...I mean the actual drinkable coldcoffee and not that they introduced me to any girl

Love

hari

PS-excuse.me(don’t.execute.me).for.having.written.this

Friendshipday 2009 Post

2009-08-01T11:43:00.000-07:00

Surety Assured

The clouds gathered, darker than usual. Heavy one its gonna be,I thought.I could see clearly that beyond these last patches of trees it were the plains. Scattered vegetation of bushes, small shrubs and a few small ones not big enough to be called trees, none which could let us from getting soaked in the upcoming rain. But the old man was still walking as if the rain didn’t matter to him. I was surprised. We didn’t have umbrella. Yet the man was ignoring the last trees that could let us not get soaked.

“The clouds have gathered.”I started. He turned and looked into my eyes, which evidently told me to finish what I started. I continued “I think we should stop here for a while”

Old man smiled “Why?”

“Why!!! Its going to rain. We’ll get soaked if we get out into the plains. There are no trees out there”

"Its not that always gathered clouds promise rain."

“Good philosophy. But won’t help when it rains” I said

“Why dont you believe that it won’t rain?” He asked smiling.

“My believing cannot change anything.”

Now he smiled and asked “What if we stop here and it doesn’t rain? What if the clouds just roll out after a long time? Its evening already.” I didn’t have an answer for that. He now continued “ Do you think staying here will not soak you? What if it rains all night and we are stuck in here!”

I was out of answer,now regretting to have put forward the topic.I felt his eyes so sharp,as if piercing mine.He turned and walked.Then he continued talking to me, his eyes fixed in the horizons as ever “Sometimes we think we are sure of what is yet to come,even when we are not assured So,what you had was the fear of getting soaked.First of all its only rainwater.It wont kill you.But be it the fear to whatever.Why should you surrender!!!You have to move on.Nothing is surety assured.Once we are aware that we are safe nowhere you will just not surrender to such fears.Even I cant assure you we wont get soaked.But stopping is not the right decision to take at this point”

“I have a doubt,then” I said

“Not sure if I can clear it” he said in a tone from which I could make out that he was smiling.

“That doesn’t matter.If it was that I reached here and I feel inside that I should stop here.you know,its hard to explain.something like an intuition…”

He stopped walking and turned to me,eyebrows in a questioning manner “Is that why you really asked me to stop?”

“No”

“If it were I would have stopped.Intuitions are God sent to take you to the right place at the right time. Never ignore them.Reasoning fails at many places in life.But intuitions don’t fail unless you fail them.Earlier when you asked about stopping I asked you ‘why’ to make sure if it was an intuition. You were just reasoning.”

“Hmmm…Or was it an intuition?Am not sure.My legs are aching too.I think It might have been an intuition.So can you just take it an intuition and pause?”I asked with a mischievous smile

He said nothing but smiled and slowly placed his backpack down…

Love all of you guys
Hari
*Chumma oru neram pokkinu type cheythatha...ennodu kshemicherey :D

My Confused Soul...

2009-07-24T12:07:00.000-07:00

Standing in the crowded seashore,alone.Something really wrong to say,yet so right.Why is it that I feel alone even when I am surrounded by so much lively and lovable people? Should I let myself feel down now? Its for me to decide and am so confused.They say be truthful to yourself.then I shud let myself feel down.I can just start acting happy.Feel light by doing so.By doing so,will I be cease from being true to myself? I donno...I accept now,am confused.

Sometimes I say God has written our fates.Sumtimes I say we decide our fates.I have said to someone that "God is not that cruel to have made you take chances and let you down.It'll be alright." with him it all went well in the end.Now its my turn.With faith I go on each day.Yet in the end of each day,seeing the happenings,I doubt why am being punished by God? Is this mere testing of faith? Will all turn out right in the end? I donno.am confused

After having put so much of efforts,which are a 100 times more than my previous 2 years efforts,at this point of time,am being let down even by God.Parents sumtimes indirectly sumtimes directly blame me the same things they did last year>how the hell can they?Ya,It has always been like that with them.Last year I had sumthing to blame myself for.THis time I cant find a reason proper to do that.Moreover I never made any promises.Ofcourse I had dreams.I still have.I still hope My dream will make it thru in the end.I was the one who said "hope never fails ,its man who fails to hope".So I will hope.Will it turn right or not I donno.Will I feel really bad.more than what I am feeling right now.Entering the night.It might be literally the night part of the phase of life.Shud I hope so? will the day cum in if I wait for the cycle to just continue? or will it be like clinging on to some false hope? I donno.am confused

Am I a loser?A question I would in my usual mind set reject.but today I dont feel like rejecting it.Never reaching upto my expectations.Failing to accomplish many of my Small yet big for me sorta dreams.But even when I lose such a fight I have always had sumthing fulfilling in between or on the way to unreached destination.That is where I feel confused about whether I shud feel bad of having failed or shud I just leave it and go on with the future,believing that the try I gave was a way God sent me to fulfill some small but gr8 things in life,to change a bit,to live a bit,to gain sum experiences,to learn a new lesson in life.Usually I believe the second way.But today I am confused.really Goddamn confused...

I wanna die.I dont wanna suicide! What about that.is that feeling itself a Suicide attempt?I donno Am confused

Is it that am really feeling all this in real or is it that am going on thinking like this becoz of an instantaneous grief.I donno am confused

Another day has come to end.Sun has packed up to go America.The people around are here to see him off.A crowd is always there to send sumone off.is it that they love you only when u go away for a while?No it shudnt be that way coz they also love those who stay.I donno am confused abt all things today.Why not shut up now...

Thats better...

Hari

Untied...

2009-05-30T02:03:00.000-07:00

Raji was walking by the deserted road. Another dull evening it seemed. No vehicles were seen, not even in the horizons. The sun was gleaming from behind the coconut trees, its shadow looking like a thin headed medusa. Three miles to destination… Legs were paining. Exhaustion took over. She stood there and looked around.
Now she saw a van in the horizons. She waited there with the hope of getting a lift to her destination. But she did not let out her hand asking for a lift. But the van stooped by her side. This was not the first time that a vehicle stopped by her side to ask the route to some where.
Now the backdoor opened. A man with a dirty stichmark on his chin and a wicked grin on his twisted lips, knocked her in and closed the door. Neither did she get time to think nor did he give her time to speak out. He tied a piece of black cloth around her face. Then he struggled and succeeded to tie her hands up. She started kicking around with as much power as she could exert. This annoyed the driver of the van as most of the kicks were on his head.
He cried out “Tie her legs too. Mac”
The other cried out “Never mind. She is treating you like a football and me like Zidane did with Materazzi.”
“Whatever be it. If u don’t tie her up I will just leave the vehicle. I can’t drive right when some one considers my head as a football !”
“Isn’t it?”
“Don’t insult me. I will break our partnership.”
“Oh!!! I dare you to do it. I know how to drive. I know how to get money from her parents and if in the future you come begging for money I will kick you out.”
“But what if you get caught?”
“I will tell your name too”
“OK.Am not leaving. We are partners in the business! We shouldn’t be quarrelling like this!”
“Then drive fast.”
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The vehicle came to a sudden halt and Raji’s head knocked on the door leaving her unconscious
The kidnappers took her to a building which seemed to a building uninhabited at least for half a century. The doors were opened. The place was full of cobwebs and dust. The driver started sneezing instantaneously.
“Search her pockets” said the other guy
“I have a hand kerchief of my own. I don’t need her kerchief”
“Fool, search her for any address to contact her parents.
Then they searched her pockets and got a small book. They opened it and found it had a lot of phone numbers without any names written. They searched her pocket again. This time they got some coins and a red ribbon.
“Ay Mac. How do we know which is her parents number?”
“Ask her and that’s it”
“Will she tell?”
“What do you think? She wouldn’t like to stay with us for the rest of her life. If she has to go back she will have to answer.”
They went to her. Now she was awake and struggling to break off the ties. The driver now went and slowly untied the cloth that was tied around her face. When he finished doing it, she took a deep breath and before he could ask anything started screaming out
“Stupid, Idiotas,donk”before she could complete he tied up her mouth again.
“Hey girl. Tell us who is your father? Give us his number”
She shook her head as if answering no.
“We’ll see. You needn’t tell. We aren’t fools. We will find out”
Telling this he walked out of the room with her book in his hand. The driver guy followed.
“What’s in your mind? Of course we have to believe we are not fools but how will we find her parents”
Mac now looked down at the book. One of these numbers is gonna be her father’s. We’ll call and find out”
“But that will take a lot of time and money…calling one by one!!! I can’t even think of it!!!”
“No pains no gains. Be it any business you have to invest something to get profits. Let’s start now. take out your mobile”

One day later…
“Sir is your daughter missing?” He asked the 75th guy
“First let me have her born. Wife’s in the labor room.Hey are you sure the child is missing from her womb?”
He hung the phone nearly fainting. Then he turned to the driver guy and told disappointed “No luck. Let’s ask her again…”
“I told you, na, that it won’t work!”
“Sorry. Let’s ask her again”
They went and the driver guy slowly untied the knot. As soon as he untied it the girl began to scream out again “Lunatics Gits scoundrels…”
He tied the knot again without waiting for the other guy’s words
“Now what?” Asked the other guy
“I don’t know” he replied
“She seems to be a “Phone-number maniac”. By now I’ve called city’s major hospitals to STD booths. Most of the phone numbers are of shops”
“We seem to be a failure together. Hum “Rab ne banaya jodi” toh nahi.Lets break up. Hum se kuch” Kismat Konnection” nahi hone wala.Our stationary store never gave us profit. But nor any loss. Just gave enough to live. When we were trying to make money through truthful means we never had loses and nor much of profit. But we had above all some peace of mind. Now look at what we have done to ourselves. Kidnapped a girl who has phone-number mania and hearing all the great things she calls us when we untie her. We will have to sell ourselves to the BSNL this month. The van will be taken away by the lent a car guy today evening… We are beggars now”
“It’s all because of you, girl.”
The driver guy untied her mouth. She looked hard into their face.
“I am a beggar. That’s exactly what I’ve been trying to tell you. But every time, you don’t give enough time to complete it” she muttered angrily
“Now we are beggars too and we are together in that...

:D
Hari

PS- Slightly modified from wat I had written in tht english paper 1 in 11th.athaarunnu behdam.still here there is no write a story ending with the dialogesorta question na! athaa. forgive me for writing this...

Christmas Special

2008-12-24T12:08:00.000-08:00

This year’s most romantic love letter!!!

Dear Thankamma,

Do you remember the day we were born? Oops. The days were different. Leave that. Do you remember our first day at school, crying and running back to our parents? Oops. Our schools were different. Never mind. Thats life. It never allowed us to stay together. Oh!! the important days of our lives. But I assure you one thing I will make it up for these past miseries. If you dont mind doing a sacrifice we can get married, same day, same place to the same people. I mean different people. No. I mean am not different to me and you are not different to yourself; so it must be "We can get married to indifferent people"!!! Wow that was one hell of a usage.

I was planning to suicide till the day I met you. Then, there, I was simply amused by the idea of you killing me. Please accept my love. I dont want to go to hell for suiciding . Anyway its sure that you will go to hell, for your life was always out of bounds. Then why dont you love (and kill?) me?.

I know the inner strength you possess; and the outer ;) So I do fear you transforming a relation beginning in a wedding ring into a boxing ring. There too I fear failure coz I have seen your lust for gold. Its sure, you will take away the medal, leaving to me nothing but a body which will be by then good for nothing.

Baby (I mean you and not the one you had last year), now is the right time. My purse is empty. I will fill your soul with love believing you will fill my purse(not with emptiness!) and I can bear the side effects!

Come to me. I can promise you one thing. I will be there for you all my life(*conditions apply)

Yours Sins Yearly

Rajappan

* Thanks sabari the shaktiman !!

2008-06-02T08:51:00.001-07:00

In heaven…

The table was laid. I saw through the keyhole. I was in Harimohan's room waiting for the call, with an empty stomach. I was hungry. The door was locked. But the smell was intoxicating. Thrice had I looked out of the keyhole. Hari's mother was laying the plates on to the dining table. Then she calls "Hari and Sarath,come for dinner. Hari answered from the bath room "am coming amma. One minute. Am bathing"

I was feeling hungry. Why can’t Hari come fast? He is wasting too much time of my life. Everybody’s life. I willgive a smal punishment to him, later. I wandered to and fro in the room. The wardrobe was open I went to it. Smell of naphthalene balls. I was allergic to it. They used to cause me respiratory problems. Now it’s ok. One of the racks had clothes put as a heap, not in order. The door of the bath room opened and Hari emerged out, wearing fresh clothes.

He walked towards the door as if he didn’t see me.

"He's changed a lot” I thought

Harimohan opened the door. He went toward the sink to wash his hands. I don’t believe in that sort of hygiene. Hygiene must be overall,not just hands. It’s all in your hands. I went towards the table without washing my hands unlike Hari. Now Sarath was screaming like hell. He stood over the chair and stood there.I was too anxious to know what he was yelling at. But I was hungry. I just started eating. Sarath slowly walked away from the table as if some ghost was in front of him...Whack with a broom on my back!!! Whack! Whack! Whack!

I was dead by then.

As a cockroach, have I not the right to eat delicious food when am hungry? My life is shorter than theirs, yet they seem keen about reducing it. Naphthalene balls, killer brooms, "hit". They are terrorists. If they don’t mind taking away my life they won’t hesitate to kill their fellow men

This won’t continue forever. No one can subdue us forever. Cockroaches never give up. Now itself there are movements in many kitchens. Visions, meetings etc. They say they will bring The Paradise of Cockroach in most homes. They are going for Home Rule Movement.

Now am in heaven....eating delicious chicken. So I don’t have to bother about the home rule and revolutions.

Long live revolution,

The dead Cockroach

With love,

Harimohan

2008-05-07T20:27:00.000-07:00

Another Sleepless night...

Another sleepless night.I should say morning.It was nearly 3 'o clock.I was rolling from one end of the bed to the other trying to find a comfortable pose to get some sleep,but all the time thinking of things troubling.Then I rose from my bed and walked upstairs to sleep in the sofa upstairs.The window was open.Placing the pillows on the sofa I went over to the window and watched.Half of what I saw was the neighbor's terrace.Looking up I couldn't spot out the moon.Maybe it was just above me,with the ceiling hindering me from seeing it.A few blocks away plumes of smoke were rising,maybe from one of the houses in front of the temple.My lips were all dried up.I wanted water badly.I walked down to the kitchen and searched the place for a jug.There were none.All were in other rooms.I took the largest of steel mugs, filled it up to brim with tap water and then carried it carefully in my hand.I said involuntarily "I Balance".Then I smiled at my self for having said so.Usually I say that when I take father's bags ,ironed clothes and other things from the car,all in one go to his room upstairs.
'The thoughts hindering my sleeps...I had to do something about them.' I thought
Then I switched on the music player and played one of my favorite songs.I then rethought the matters that were worrying me.They are always there.In different forms.Sleeplessness is what we make.It's got nothing to do with any problems of mine but it was my problem.A problem I created by thinking over other problems only to create more problems.Then I thought "What problems? Its Life! Its supposed to make us feel that we are living.We feel we are alive only when we are fighting for a cause,a dream.I know its my dream.Its my dream and I am not going to spend sleepless nights over problems.I will use them for my dream!!! " I turned off the music player and tried to sleep in the sofa humming the tune of a ghazal,one of my favorites,the one which I've always admired for its lyrics.Thinking of the lyrics of the song,I lay in the sofa
.Now in the morning ,after waking up I remember a bit of what I was humming just before I fell asleep.I had started humming with the ghazal I was talking about.then I remember adding two or three lines from some other song to it and then the tune changed entirely.After that I don't remember what I was singing...

Love
Hari

2008-04-12T00:33:00.000-07:00

Singing but Silently...

When this rains masks the summer,
When these clouds masks the sun,
When my face masks the heart,
When everything appears so veiled,
Yet another thing hides in me,
But not from me...An Old song...

Years ago,on a summer not veiled
By clouds or rain, I heard you...
Then I held you close to my heart,
By heart,not knowing what you meant,
But always ready to sing you aloud
Even with none to hear us,me or you

Even now,close to my heart you are
Not by heart,yet knowing your heart
What you stand for in this small life
And the wisdom you hold within,
Which, as a child I failed to see then.
Now though,a few words I remember faintly
And your lively tune,which am still humming
Are all I have with me of yours
Still am singing you,but silently...

2008-01-28T10:46:00.000-08:00

Nothing is without a reason !

I saw a bridge .An unneeded one .I dont know what its maker meant to bridge.No rivers under it.Just built some centimetres above the ground.

I didn't pass any comment on it.Why use words unnecessarily?wasnt it built marvellously enough.'Why ,Does it need a reason to be built other the beauty of it?'Then I thought 'Who told that it was built for no reason?' No one.It was just what I felt.It need not be true..

The guide was walking in front ,his eyes fixed on the mountains so far away,with snow covered top. Though old,he walked like a young man, fast and with steady steps.He seemed to know the whole area by heart that he didn't bother at look down at the ground.I cleared my throat and asked "why was this bridge built? seems useless.But of course beautiful"

The old man turned back to me .His face had a graceful smile.His Grey eyes reflected the sun in them.He said "Nothing in this world is here without a reason.What you see now is a bridge with nothing to bridge...You wont believe my words.Will seem hard to digest.Will you believe if I say that there was a deep cliff beneath it?"
I just pictured in my mind, a cliff beneath it.'Yes.Nothing is without a reason' & for a hundredth time I learnt the same thing.I said "I have no reason not to believe you." He smiled again.I returned him another.THen we continued walking toward the mountains.

Harimohan.M

2008-01-27T04:35:00.000-08:00

Leave the window open !

Leave the window open!
Please leave it like that
Let me feel the breeze
Let it soothe my soul,
Blowing away my troubles....

Leave the window open !
Let me see the moon
Its colour,innocent white,
Seeming to be another star
Grown up or a hundred together...

Leave the window open !
Let me hear those hoots,
Those croaks which are heard
Only when people are in beds
Not hearing them at all.

Leave the window open !
Let me hear the neighbour's
Dog bark on all night as if
The night was the thief,
Stealing away its sleep...

Leave the window open !
Let me fell the bliss of daylight,
The heat of it that prevails,
Making days tiresome and
Make me long for night ...

Leave the window open !
Let me laugh watching the
Pranks those little ones play
At others and the innoscence of it.
They remind me of the days
When I used to do the same
Just to see the ones whom I
Love smile at me...
I have always loved thier smiles

Leave the window open !
Leave me beside it all day
Just watching those interesting
Men walking down that untarred
Road, each one soo different
Some hopping,some angrily,
Some funny,some daydreaming.

Leave the window open !
Let in the smell of ready mangoes
That seeps in making me go crazy,
Making me run to it even before
The fastest bird reaches it....

Leave the window open !
It fills me up with hopes,
Dreams,sights,smells,
Memories,nostalgia or
In just one word "life"
Yes...It fill me with life.

Leave the window open !
Through it I see the world,
Even when a hundred doors
Are open in front of me....

Ay Window! Don't let the
Wind to move you with
his ever increasing charm...
Because His charm will only
Leave you with lose of
Some one who has always loved You......

Ay window ! Let nothing close you,
for,you have always showed me
things I never expected to see or
those of which I never knew....

Ay window ! I will never close you
myself because there will end my life
You are my window to the world,
All see me through you....
And I have always loved you....

hehe

With
Lots and Lots of Love

The Xotic & Xn3K
Harimohan

2008-01-25T04:28:00.000-08:00

With a broken heart.....

Whats the use of having life sustained with a broken heart beating inside?

Whats the use of just being mechanichal, doing the same thing all the time?

Whats the use of living a life in which each breath is a sigh for regrets,longings,unfulfilled dreams ,loneliness?

Whats the need of those eyes which never show you the vision you had in the past abt you future come true?

Why live as a ghost in this world?

Unseen.....unfulfilled.....unvaried.....

No such a life is not life....neither what I think of as the state after death......
Its just a coma state...a coma state where you live just becoz of somebody else who takes care to inject enough nutrients into your blood because they still hope for your recovery.....

Though there are difficulties in and when you come out of the coma state to continue the life's quests ,it is better that just dying in the coma state........
Like a life never lived.......

Death is beautiful...but only when life is lived...............
So .......Live...Dream....Set out......
Its never late....

Only a foolish bird will pray God 'Oh god dont take away the sky ,for,without the sky where will I fly?'
A wise one asks God not to take away its wings...... coz it knows that when it wants to fly there will always be the sky .......

:-)

Harimohan.M

2008-01-25T04:21:00.000-08:00

Who is God ?

Once I prayed to God "Oh god...NO body needs me...Nobody loves me....Nobody cares for me....Why must I live here? What’s the use in living in a world where nobody loves or cares for me? Please do answer me God.....It’s a question from the heart....so please do...or just call me to you....."

I was answered...but was it by God? I don’t know the answer for whether it was from God....leave that..

The truth is....I didn’t hear the answer in voices audible to ears...I just felt as if I was answered....

It went so

"I also lived...as various incarnations' as they call it....Still I live.....I also lived with those conditions of the earth you say of...Still I live in those…..I have felt their hatred......But you are wrong ....I have felt their love too...but only at times...they fear to show it...Some love you....Some care for you...They never let you know it...because they think once you know of it you will change...they won’t like that...they like you for what you are..."

Then I asked him again "What if the changes are in a good direction?"

I felt something again "I thought you would ask ‘So is there no need for any change?’ Change is needed……But only true ones can take the right course…Why don’t you change by yourself by reviewing yourself....What’s the meaning of changing for somebody? Such changes are not true.....They will change you only to let you continue changing....without you knowing that the change though acceptable to them isn’t acceptable to others....So what do you think?...Then you will again pray and ask 'Why do others hate me even when I have changed so much from what I was' without knowing that it was the change that made everything that way...."

I again asked “How will I know whether my changes are in the right way?"

I felt again “Nobody will know anything without taking risks....Nobody will make anything right without mistakes...."

Now I had a question "Are you inside me god? Are you with me god? "

But I didn’t ask the question because 'Not all the questions asked are with answers unknown '...This one is or maybe of that category of questions.....

I know the answer…..Or I think I know the answer...I don’t want the answer from God...I know He is with me...with all of us...inside everybody....telling us answers which makes us think that it’s just ourselves who are answering....maybe all of us are his incarnation...or he is inside us...or is he all of us( then God might be having multiple personality disorder!!!!! ?)…….
God knows!! hmmmm ..Its controversial again...If God knows I am supposed to know na????

hehe

With love
Harimohan.M

2008-01-25T04:05:00.001-08:00

Cry a little and not more...

Cry not too much...
Why drown your own island
of hope with your tears...
Vain it will be trying to build
a bridge over the sea...
But possible it is, over a river...
Just cry enough for a river
and no more than that.
Then bridge it with a smile...

Look back at those rivers
once crossed in the past...
Those bridges you made...
Dont they seem of a special beauty
Thats what makes this a life!!!
Hated times will be endeared later!!!

The sea is beautiful too,
Streching tothe horizons
like mirages in a desert....
Filling you with hopes
of finding an island,
But never promising
How long can you swim in the sea?

it offers not even a break,
you will only tire yourself and...

Tears are good......
They can relieve you
of a pain so unbearable
They can heal you...
but making others sad

Smile for me now
for your smile is so
precious to me
or I will cry for you

hehe
:-)

Harimohan.M

An evening that I loved...and lived

2008-01-23T09:02:00.000-08:00

I looked at the moon and sat there waiting for the bus.It was trying to hide from me behind the clouds of
the twilight sky.It succeded in the attempt .But the attempt and its sucess made me smile... coz I know that it has to come out from behind the cloud....coz I know that the wind would just blow away the cloud .I knew the wind was with me

The roar of the battering KSRTC bus brought me back to this 'world' I had to go home.Work was waiting.The day wasnt on my side.But the night would be...it always did ususaly......
The bus wasnt crowded.But there were no seats.I stood in the footboard leaning onto the red-and-yellow-painted board behind me after taking the ticket.

Between every two bus-stop I felt the wind....the cool breeze...some thing I have always loved...always enjoyed.But when the bus stopped at my stop .....I knew that the wind was just in the air.After many days,as if I was mad,I streched out my hands sideways with my bag in one of them and ran home .The wind accompanied me all the way home.I knocked and waited outside.Again I looked at the sky.Now the moon was in the sky....its cover blown out.

I just said "Enikkariyamayirunnu ninaku angane olikkan onnum pattilennu!!!(I knew that you wouldnt be able to hide from me for long"

Then I turned around towards to find my sister standing in the doorway wonderstruck.She asked "Ninakku vattaya????(HAVE U GONE MAD)"

I just smiled and went in ,not saying anything .......

But I wanted to tell her "Every sudden impulse to do some thing is Godsent...to make us feel that there is so much to be felt in this world....
Ignore them & you lose a chance to smile for no reason at all........Every smile has its beauty .The beauty increases when it is without a reason....."

But that would only make her think that I am really going mad.....

hehe